Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Life: The worst hater to have!

Olka fay fay! 

What a terrible day? First thing this morning I had a doctors appointment. The PA asked me a lot of questions in a condescending tone (while belittling my illnesses at the same time) first time meeting him today and he won't even be my internal medicine doctor. So thanks for letting me know how insignificant my issues are in comparison to your vertigo in October that's now gone (that's a joke), but I apparently already have 5 different specialist who all think it's kind of a big deal that I have all these different things going on at once out of nowhere at age 24. This apparently made me cry for 2 hours, including 45 minutes infront of him in his doctors office (apparently I am THAT fragile right now, how embarrassing?).What is wrong with me? Decided to go up to highland/alpine to try to finish a little cleaning at my mother in laws. Stopped at the Bowcutt's after, where I had Marshall playing with Nali Bear and jumping in their pond (the one good thing today). Tried to drive back home and my car decides it wants to kill over on me. Finally made it home going 40 mph on the interstate getting off the exit and taking the back roads. Then, my dog ate my whole taco while I was using the bathroom.  Not that I was hungry or anything, but the fact that I'm now panicking he's going to get sick doesn't help this situation. I won't even mention some of my other current circumstances, and you can just imagine all the things that make you want to cuss happening at once, and that would be what it's like. Today can go back down to where it came from, seriously! Apparently I'm not allowed to do anything without being punished. While we are at it lets just pile on a couple more illnesses! If this my luck right now, I don't want to go back in for another biopsy. My life is a HATER right now! #Lifeishatinonme, You can laugh, but I can't right now! 

Love always,

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Unbreakable and Fighting Spirit

Hello everybody!

Today is a beautiful day! This is the start of moving week and we are so happy to get out of Pinnacle and back to the countryside of UT .  We will be near  all of our favorite places walking/hiking, dating, camping, and driving roads of UT. This will hopefully be a pretty good next couple of months! Also, I have to go in for another biopsy on August 1st, so we still do not know if the tumor is cancerous. Just wanted to catch everybody up on that.

Something that has been weighing on my mind lately: I have been thinking a lot about  all of the trials I have had in my life. I have faced many hard things that I never thought I would have to face. I have many hard trials I am facing now. I know God let's me face the trials he's given me because he knows I'm a fighter. I also want to let you know the trials are so hard some times that I get angry and cuss and lash out, that I feel like I can't keep going some times (a lot of times), and that I have all the negative thoughts in the world run through my mind like a lot of people do when facing something very unpleasant (to say the least). I thought I would have a lot more angry and negative post by now because I feel angry and negative , but I don't. I'm sure I will have a post like that one day, but for now this blogging has allowed me to reflect. In my reflecting I am happy to notice I am a fighter.

I have been so blessed with a fighting spirit that shows my mind I am so much more than I think I am. My spirit has silenced my doubtful thoughts many times in my life. My mind has been so weak these past several months. In my thoughts I have have been hurt and angry with God that he would let me face so much hurt and hardship alone. My thoughts have told me that the Lord thinks I deserve to go through these horrible things that I don't want to go through (thoughts from Satan?). However, my spirit has recently reminded me (as it usually does) that my Heavenly Father hurts when I hurt. He sends his Angel's in my darkest hours and moments. He allows me to go through these things because my spirit is strong and because it will only keep getting stronger with each hardship. I have also recognized in my reflection with God and life that I am blessed with an unbreakable spirit.  Something my thoughts have tried to belittle and make me forget.

I had always wondered what that burning light of hope from Christ was that beats so loudly within myself. As a child and even throughout growing up. I didn't know how to describe it to anyone but I have felt it all my life. I didn't have the words to describe it but I use to compare it to a wild mustang that would never be broken (you can laugh). The words "unbreakable spirit" were given to me in a humble setting of maybe 10 YSA's (myself included) having a fireside in 2012.  One of my friends said the words, and they immediately resignated with that feeling. I knew in that moment The Lord was speaking to me in that humble setting of maybe 10 people. I knew that The Lord had given those words and inspiration to the speaker to speak to me in what would prove to be one of the hardest trials of my life at the time.

An Unbreakable spirit does not mean you are never broken, it means you rise after every broken moment to make something better. I still feel pain, I still have moments of weakness, but I try to allow myself to feel the hurt and emotions (because that's what is healthy) and to still stand  back up with the brightness of a burning hope I hold inside. That hope comes from Christ (at least for myself). I let that hope become my path. I have heard that people mistaken this strength (from Christ) as me not feeling sadness or weakness, or not struggling everyday with that excruciating pain because I'm "too strong". I am having just as much the human experience as anyone else, no matter how "strong" I am. I still feel that pain just as deeply as others, and I still need your love and support no matter how "alright" or "fine" I feel or "strong" I am! I still experience that lonely and defeated feeling others do and it brings me to my knees by my bed side in tears begging and pleading with The Lord. Telling him that I can't take one more step in this trial and asking for his help. There is not a more spiritual experience than that. I often ask why me? Why can't I just have a normal life? I have an answer for myself today, because The Lord thinks you (I) deserve better!

The Lord is investing in you and me with his time by shaping us, by giving us deep spiritual experiences with his angel's and himself watching over us and intervening when he needs to. Some people have more deep spiritual experiences without having to go through as much hardship. I am stubborn and hate showing weakness and probably prevent myself from having normal spiritual experiences some times. However, when I am humbled and brought to my knees, I seem to see more clearly my purpose. I don't know if that will ever change unfortunately. I certainly hope it will and then maybe my trials and burdens will be some what lighter (probably not). This doesn't mean I'm a bad person or I'm being punished, this means I am an instrument in the Lord's hands helping others get a flicker of hope from Christ to help ignite their fire.  This means The Lord made me this way because not everyone was suppose to have a cookie cutter experience in life on this earth.

I don't appreciate these trials as much in the moment, but I have a deep love for them once they are over and have left a profound stamp on my heart and changed my life forever. The best part is I rarely remember the bad and often am left with the memory of the good things that came from that trial. (I'm only reminded of the bad days of a trial when I need to be). This is my reward. I have never felt so loved, so blessed, and so important as I feel in The Lord's eyes as when I realize I have come through a trial and understand why I was going through it. I'm not boasting about myself and I do not think I am more important than anyone else. In fact, most of the time I feel as if I'm am the most insignificant person here on this earth. The Lord wants me to know differently. He shows me by investing his time and mercy in the trials I face. I truly believe that. Thanks for letting me share!

Love always,


Thursday, July 17, 2014


Hey ya'll!

I have been avoiding packing and organizing like the plague. It is literally my least favorite thing to do because I am so OCD. We are leaving in less than 14 days. I have this problem with not doing stuff if I do not have time or energy to do it perfectly. What a horrible combination to have, right? My house definitely does not reflect an OCD person's home. I have been living in a straight crazy house for almost a year. LOL! As in I'm driven crazy with how much laundry, dishes, clutter, and trash can be created in one day. I have these other two "problems" (more like blessings) that I live with whom tend to make constant cleanliness impossible. Not kidding, our dog pulls out stuff, chews things up, and sheds more hair than any dog I have ever had. He is quite literally like my own 2/almost 3 year old. Anyway, I'm just blogging to avoid this monstrous beast I will soon have to tackle.

Funny how simple every day things have become so intimidating and seem so  hard when you feel like crap all the time. I have not been going to work, been able to cook, clean, drive, get groceries or perform normal every day activities regularly in a couple of months. Thankfully Tom has been here to help pick up some slack. Every time I stand up for longer than 15 or 20 minutes at a time, I feel like I'm going to throw up, crap my pants, or my lower back decides to send shooting pains from my back down my hips and sides. Quite the feeling, eh? It's ok to laugh. Tom and I laugh at my expense all the time (I told you I would be honest!).

 I will die the day I am walking in public and actually do crap myself. I'm quite positive it will happen. I will die in shame right there, just like the scene in bridesmaids where the girl craps in the middle of the streets in an expensive wedding gown. That is how humiliating it will be. I mean, I'm only 24 and I've never had a baby, so crazy how "blessed" I am with something like this. I hope it will at least give someone a good laugh, while I die of embarrassment. Excuse the potty humor, I will always laugh at it.

Well, considering how much I have shared already, I better give myself another task before I share way too much information for some peoples taste.

Love always,

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


Hello everyone!

I am unapologetically my self majority of the time! I am almost honest to a fault at times and it feels so freeing! These experiences, thoughts, feelings, trials, blessings, and my personal spiritual journey will be shared with no filter. If you don't want to hear unfiltered real life, or if you are in denial of real life and being unfiltered on social media, this blog is probably not for you. However, maybe it will help you or someone get through something. I don't know, I'm just sharing. Now to the boring facts.

I am 24 and am married to my friend of five or six years, (now) husband Thomas! Thomas and I have been married for almost a year now. I have a crazy-awesome (I make up words) German Short Haired Pointer named Marshall that there is never a dull moment with. He is seriously off the walls hyper. He is our one and only baby at this time. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or Mormon), who is most definitely not perfect! I was born in raised in the good ole' State of North Carolina, for which I am blessed!

I have recently (within the past 6 months or so) been diagnosed with a multitude of not so fun illnesses. The list of diagnostics at this present time are: Degenerative Disc disease, Spinal Stenosis, Fibromyalgia, a bulging disc, PCOS, IBS-C, Acid Reflux, a tumor in my stomach (which we do not currently know if it's cancerous or not), and a possibility of MS (won't start that process until July 31st). What a crazy list, huh? This is probably one of the most profound reasons I blogging right now, is because I feel I need support and love from the people who care to read this. Originally, I created this blog in 2011 when I went through another really hard time in my life and felt it helped me so much. So, I'm hoping for that to be what comes out of this.

Anyway, thanks for reading  and there will be more to come!

Love always,