Healing/ Enlightening Times

  I have been so enlightened. Lights are shining very brightly on everything that had been made dark. This time in my life has been so healing. I am healing physically, spiritually, as well as mentally/ emotionally. Out with the old/bad in with the new/good. But before I get into that I'd like to address something. I have received compliments on how well I have handled things in my situation, and though it was the only way I knew how to cope/ handle things, I'm not completely proud of it. Two of the ways I handled it that I'm not completely proud of I'd like to address and apologize for.
      One) I'd like to apologize for ever being rude to or about Quinn. He may have made mistakes, but we all do. And I was being a hypocrite by thinking he had done something unforgivable, because I have used that very same atonement that he is capable of using and I am not worthy of that atonement if I can not forgive those who hurt me. I set a horrible example and truly regret talking badly about him to anyone. I do understand that I needed to feel and acknowledge that anger (because it is a part of the grieving process), but I wish I would have channeled that anger in a more positive direction. I should have been more long suffering and Christ like. After all, Christ had the most unjustified pain of people hurting him in a way that I can't even begin to imagine. and all he did was say "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." I wish I would have done that.
     Two) I would also like to apologize for lying and saying I was "OK" when I was NOT ok. I wanted to be ok and I kept telling myself I was ok. But, inside I was crying and screaming "Please help me?! I'm dying here!" I did not want anyone to see me in such a vulnerable state because I was humiliated, disappointed, blaming myself, and I could not trust anyone enough to let them in. I apologize for that because it would have been a great way for people to give service to me and receive blessings. However, waking up, getting out of bed everyday and telling myself I was ok, was the only way I could get up and make myself be ok.
   I have realized that I was not all the way there for a while. I was kind of out of it. But I am glad to say I'm back, for the most part I think. lol.
   Back to my enlightening/ healing thoughts and epiphanies: I am so grateful that the Lord chose me to have such a heartbreaking experience so that he could give back ten fold in blessings, understanding, growth, healing, love, opportunity, and friendship. It has been one of the most life changing/ enlightening times of my life. I am coming across so many wonderful thoughts and feelings. I am letting go of what I THINK I am, and becoming more of who GOD knows me to be. I am finding true JOY! I think too often we as human beings sit around in a situation waiting for happiness to come and find us. Happiness is a privilege, it is a gift you receive when you have put in hard work. We can not keep sitting by waiting for life, we have to go out there and fight for our happiness every day! It is a constant battle to be happy with our ever day trials, but we have the choice to give God the power and put our life in his hands every day. We can wake up every morning and let our knees hit the floor before our feet and our minds be filled with words of the scriptures before Sally Sue's Facebook status. We have the choice. And if we forget to do that, just look at the difference of where our happiness lies. Then end your day with your knees on the floor repenting of your mistakes and sins and fill your mind with the words of God before you go to sleep. Maybe that way we will remember tomorrow how to start our day off a little happier than the one before. Heavenly Father loves us all, we are his children. He has provided a way for our happiness. I am so grateful for this life, our testing grounds. I am not perfect, I have hated my life many MANY times before. But I am trying, we are all trying every day to do a little better than the day before. I am just full of love and gratitude to have had so many wonderful examples in my life. If I did not, I would have surely failed in this situation. I am so full of love for people right now. This healing of mental/ emotion, spiritual, and physical health is such a blessing and so full of hope and happiness. I encourage everyone who needs it to do it. I am strengthened every day. Every day there is a new and enlightening revelation. Thank you to everyone who has been concerned with my happiness and loved me no matter what. I hope this was not all a big ramble and that someone who needed it got to read. I'll fill you all in on what I'm up to next blog.


                                                                    Straight Up,
                                                                               Hannah                        

Single Life After Married Life!!!!

Single Life After Married Life:

I'm FRRREEEEE!!!!



Awesome Friends!

Serenity

The annulment was finalized March 23rd, 2012! I have been emotionally divorced for a while, but paper work said otherwise. Anyway, So as you all can tell, life is pretty dang good right now! I'm feeling pretty amazing and ready for this new chapter of my life. I have been meaning to blog, but have been way too busy having way too much fun to blog about it.  I took a beach trip, have already gone to a YSA regional conference, and had my first date. I know my worth, I know the Lord has great things waiting for me, and I want this period of my life to really be about bettering myself in ways I know I should and can. I am ready for CHANGE. I looovvve change! And how fitting is it that general conference is tomorrow? Ready to listen to the inspired leaders of God who have some great council, and words of inspiration. I really love being put in my place and humbled by those men and women. It is one of my favorite times within the church. We all have our trials people, none of us are perfect and we all need some good old medicine/nourishment for the soul. I love all of you people. I love my non-Mormon/LDS friends. Sorry if this is all confusing, but basically tomorrow is a time in my church where members around the world gather to listen to our living prophet and leaders who have inspiration and council from God for us. I want everyone to know that this has not been an easy road, but I'm doing so well. If I did not have my Father in Heaven and the my savior Jesus Christ to carry me through this I would not be ok right now. I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have recieved and will recieve through this hard time. Thank you to all of those especially who have just let me feel how I have needed to feel and not told me how I should feel. And let me just throw this out there for everyone, If someone is going through the living Hell that I just went through, Don't you EVER tell them how they need to feel or what they should be doing unless they are trying to kill themselves. If they are fit enough in God's eyes to get through it, then they should be fit enough in your eyes to have their own feelings and desires in the situation. And until you have walked a mile in their shoes, you don't know jack crap about what you are talking about. Sorry, I had to get that out there. I will have more at a later time when I have gotten some more sleep from all of this fun. Love all of you. Hope you all have a blessed and inspired weekend! It's been real, and it's been fun! It's been real fun!

-Hannah                                                                                                                           

No Excuses!

Hey people!
Watch This! http://youtu.be/OasVtpPcjWg
I love seeing stuff like this and knowing  I have no excuses in life! I feel pumped, and I'm running off of 2 hours of sleep and I have been sick for 3 days now. I LOVE the positive message of this. Just to let you all know I have a hearing for my annulment on March 9th and I let a piece of paper (a motion form) control me for 2 weeks. I was sooo bummed that Quinn and I had to have a hearing. I was ready for it to be over with already! Had I not gone through enough? I started moving forward with it and trying to figure out what I could do to make it out to Utah all the way from Norh Carolina with no money and no job. I have prayed, but I KNOW prayers from you wonderful people is the reason my prayers have been answered. I found out I could file my own motion to appear telephonically in court. I started trying to do the paper and whined, moped, ignored, and avoided that deathly paper for 2 weeks. I was sure it was going to be the death of me. haha! I thought  I would have to make my own form up from what I was reading on the internet and 2 weeks after my moaning, when I prayed and said Lord, please help me! I will put in as much as I can, but please help me understand what I am doing with this paper? I go on the website I had been on before and realize they have a FORM! Just for me, a form, with a checklist on how to complete it properly! Thank you Lord for answering to lazy, lack of motivation lately. I have no excuses! My getting an annulment is no excuse, my lack of a job with income is no excuse, my being sick right now is no excuse! I am unstoppable with the Lords help and so are you. I am so tired of people and their excuses. Including MYSELF at times. Excuses, they are a wall you put up blocking your own success! I'm not saying we don't have hard times and need our down time.We all need to let ourselves feel things unpleasant at times. What I am saying is; why is it an excuse 6 months later? Whay is it an excuse 5 years later? You can accomplish ANYTHING. I am a firm believer in that. Let go of your excuses and make miracles happen. I use to give myself excuses for not serving others when I wanted to be selfish. Well now, I am giving services with no job. I just give people my time, love, and energy. I LOVE doing that. It is a miracle in my own life. I am not perfect, I'm not wonder woman, and sometimes I still let my situations get the best of me. But, I TRY, and I'm WILLING! So, I challenge you all to let go of your excuses tomorrow, take down your "wall" let success, miracles, and joy feel your lives. I <3 all of you. We are all doing a great job in life, even if we have messed up today, let tomorrow be better. That is advise in the world of Hannah, Straight up!

The story on why I'm getting an annulment

 I am going through an annulment situation with Quinn, which most of you know, but alot of you are scared to say so, and pretend like you have no clue! haha! I promise you can bring it up and it will not offend me! The only thing that HAS offended me is people pretending they have no clue. But, even then it's no big deal. So... here is the summary for sake of me not having to repeat myself over and over again, which I don't mind, but merely am doing this for my personal conveinence! Quinn and I were inlove, or so I thought, we could not get married in the temple because he had child support issues, or so I thought. We dated and got engaged and after we found out we were not going to be able to get married in the temple any time soon, we decided to get married civilly. We had an issue arise with his ex wife and him discussing the fact of him having cold feet without my presence there for about an hour amongst other things that were innapropriate for him to discuss with an ex wife about a future spouse. I found out due to the fact that his story of where he was did not add up. I did not think it was a deal breaker because he did not cheat on me, or so i thought. and knew that couples always had rought times before getting married. We were two or three weeks away from our wedding and I did not want to postpone. I ended up recieving the confirmation I needed AGAIN to marry him. He and I got married and I felt the Holy Ghost at our ceremony. When we got back from our honeymoon he and his ex wife were continuously texting and on the phone with one another when I was not around. He would go see her without me knowing and say it was for the kids. I freaked out because I know when someone is keeping things from me and lying. They had been telling eachother how much they loved eachother and how he should have never married me. He tried to prove to our bishop with his patriarchal blessing that he was suppose to marry his ex. We spent A LOT of time in the bishops office due to his actions. He claims he never cheated, which I know he did mentally, and have found another womans undergarment, which I believe to be his ex wifes. He was $26,000 in debt and feld to tell me. He lied about EVERYTHING! and in the end, I asked him if he loved me or his kids or his ex wife and he said he did not know. He also communicated to me that he did not know if he ever felt anything as far as love and sorrow for things he has done wrong and that he knows when to say I love you and I'm sorry, but he does not feel it. I told him throughout the process if he did not know what I was worth I did and I would leave him. In the end I asked him as a one time offer if he wanted to get counseling, and he said "no, he did not want to put in the work to change" amongst many other ways of putting it. We signed annulment papers, I'm now living with my mother in NC and I was originally DESTROYED! I loved Quinn so much. I loved the man he was when we were dating, I loved his sense of humor,I LOVED his family, I LOVED his kids,  and he and his kids were my world! My world was shattered in a month and a half. I came to North Carolina broken, not knowing what my purpose in life was anymore, and not knowing if I wanted to live my life anymore. It was devistating! However, I chose to live! I chose to put one foot infront of the other. I chose to have HOPE and FAITH in my Father in Heaven and my savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ! There were times when the only reason for me choosing to live was an experience I had with my best friend's sister choosing to take her own life and observing the friend and her family that I loved so deeply and had such a special place in my heart for, go through  something so devistating. They shared their loved ones life with me and her example on this earth was nothing less than miraculous. She was an amazing woman who cared about others and lived passionately. I related with her in alot of ways as far as similar trials and experiences, so much that in my darkest hours my thoughts went to her and my beloved best friend. I HAD to live.

 I have been very open about it because there is nothing for me to be ashamed of and I needed the support and love as well as I knew that my hard time would help others. I am almost 23 yeasr old and I was only married for a month and a half to a man that I said til death do us part to, and meant forever! Unfortunately Quinn said I do, and meant I don't. I was inlove with this man, I still do have love for this man. But the things that he was choosing were not in coordinance to what we had discussed our marriage would be prior. I honestly trusted Quinn, I trusted his word. That is why I married him. I do NOT feel stupid for loving a man who was manipulating and lying to me. I feel hurt still and I was but I am and have been healing so quickly. I know this is only due the words of the  Lord, many prayers you wonderful people offered me and because the Lord knows me personally, he knows my circumstances, and he has not forsaken me. The atonement of Jesus Christ, the Lord, and the Holy Ghost have all carried me through this. It almost seems like it was a dream now during the hardest moments. I am not angry with Quinn anymore. Hopefullly I wont be angry with him ever again. But, I am sorry that he can not feel love or sorrow and I am sorry that he will never be able to find true happiness due to that. I feel sorry that he does not know the savior to be able to make things as if they never happened. He told me he did not feel the same way about the church that I do, and I am sorry he does not, bc it is a wonderful church. I am not sorry for myself. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I needed to experience this heart break in my life to grow. And I have learned so much from this experience. I have learned about myself, the gospel, the atonement. I miss my best friend Quinn and I am sorry, that it did not work out, bc I believe it could have. But I know I have purpose, I know I will find someone who can take me to the temple and who is worthy of my love. I know that the Lords plan for me was and is different from my own, and it is worth it to keep living. I love my friends and family so deeply and am so grateful for them. They have been so wonderful in this. I hope to be able to help you all as much as you have helped me. Thanks for letting me share with you all and taking time to read!

Hannah, Straight Up!!

My Family

ME

My other family

My Great Grandmother who's influence was profound on my life as well as future generations and who taught by example!

Like a sister, the Hannah's

Like a sister, Brooklyn

Crazy me!

Many of my friends and family love how "real" and "straight up" I am! I think it's because it lets them know how  honest I am. Not saying that I'm perfect and have not made mistakes in my life, it's actually quite the opposite! I'm saying we are all on this crazy road of life and it is freeing to be able to say when I am in a good or bad spot. I want to just share and hopefully relate with you people. I don't have excellent grammar and punctuation,  nor do I have a lot of elegance in my wording or speech. I just have a real life, like all of you and would love to share it. The joy, the sorrow, the happiness, the pains, maybe even anger. I just want people to know they are not alone and can push through at the most devastating, crappy moments. I want people to have HOPE and know that I get my HOPE from CHRIST! Even if you don't believe in Christ I encourage you to read, and  know there is someone out there who knows where you are coming from. There are so many blogs about fashion, and worldly things, I am very much a people person and wanted to share, what I think matters most which is the growth in life, intelligence, people that we form relationships with and bonds we have with our friends and families. How are we treating others and where have the morals and values gone in this world? I'm taking a stand against the dishonesty, superficial, "sex-appeal is everything" world we are living in. I want  to earn my rights and know I am worthy of my blessings! I am not perfect and I won't claim to be, but what I will claim is that I am trying. I would love to share REAL life experiences in this, not about what I'm wearing, how beautiful I am outwardly, or the material possessions I own, and how successful I am in THIS world. I want to share how successful I am in the sight of God and in the way that I think the measure of our success should be determined! I would love for everyone to be able to follow or at least read what I personally have going on and possibly to be able to benefit from it in some way, shape, or form. I want to help people and let them feel loved and understood! I want to influence people in this world for the better and know if I can help them by the smallest of means. Like taking a few minutes out of my day to let out whats on my mind and see if my words and what I'm experiencing, or the words of the Lord (whenever I feel the need to use them) might be the EXACT ones someone needs to hear at that point and time! You never know! So this is me, Hannah, straight up!