Today is a beautiful day! This is the start of moving week and we are so happy to get out of Pinnacle and back to the countryside of UT . We will be near all of our favorite places walking/hiking, dating, camping, and driving roads of UT. This will hopefully be a pretty good next couple of months! Also, I have to go in for another biopsy on August 1st, so we still do not know if the tumor is cancerous. Just wanted to catch everybody up on that.
Something that has been weighing on my mind lately: I have been thinking a lot about all of the trials I have had in my life. I have faced many hard things that I never thought I would have to face. I have many hard trials I am facing now. I know God let's me face the trials he's given me because he knows I'm a fighter. I also want to let you know the trials are so hard some times that I get angry and cuss and lash out, that I feel like I can't keep going some times (a lot of times), and that I have all the negative thoughts in the world run through my mind like a lot of people do when facing something very unpleasant (to say the least). I thought I would have a lot more angry and negative post by now because I feel angry and negative , but I don't. I'm sure I will have a post like that one day, but for now this blogging has allowed me to reflect. In my reflecting I am happy to notice I am a fighter.
I have been so blessed with a fighting spirit that shows my mind I am so much more than I think I am. My spirit has silenced my doubtful thoughts many times in my life. My mind has been so weak these past several months. In my thoughts I have have been hurt and angry with God that he would let me face so much hurt and hardship alone. My thoughts have told me that the Lord thinks I deserve to go through these horrible things that I don't want to go through (thoughts from Satan?). However, my spirit has recently reminded me (as it usually does) that my Heavenly Father hurts when I hurt. He sends his Angel's in my darkest hours and moments. He allows me to go through these things because my spirit is strong and because it will only keep getting stronger with each hardship. I have also recognized in my reflection with God and life that I am blessed with an unbreakable spirit. Something my thoughts have tried to belittle and make me forget.
An Unbreakable spirit does not mean you are never broken, it means you rise after every broken moment to make something better. I still feel pain, I still have moments of weakness, but I try to allow myself to feel the hurt and emotions (because that's what is healthy) and to still stand back up with the brightness of a burning hope I hold inside. That hope comes from Christ (at least for myself). I let that hope become my path. I have heard that people mistaken this strength (from Christ) as me not feeling sadness or weakness, or not struggling everyday with that excruciating pain because I'm "too strong". I am having just as much the human experience as anyone else, no matter how "strong" I am. I still feel that pain just as deeply as others, and I still need your love and support no matter how "alright" or "fine" I feel or "strong" I am! I still experience that lonely and defeated feeling others do and it brings me to my knees by my bed side in tears begging and pleading with The Lord. Telling him that I can't take one more step in this trial and asking for his help. There is not a more spiritual experience than that. I often ask why me? Why can't I just have a normal life? I have an answer for myself today, because The Lord thinks you (I) deserve better!
The Lord is investing in you and me with his time by shaping us, by giving us deep spiritual experiences with his angel's and himself watching over us and intervening when he needs to. Some people have more deep spiritual experiences without having to go through as much hardship. I am stubborn and hate showing weakness and probably prevent myself from having normal spiritual experiences some times. However, when I am humbled and brought to my knees, I seem to see more clearly my purpose. I don't know if that will ever change unfortunately. I certainly hope it will and then maybe my trials and burdens will be some what lighter (probably not). This doesn't mean I'm a bad person or I'm being punished, this means I am an instrument in the Lord's hands helping others get a flicker of hope from Christ to help ignite their fire. This means The Lord made me this way because not everyone was suppose to have a cookie cutter experience in life on this earth.